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Spotkick’s Alternative Awards of the Month: April


Episode Eight: And we reach the endgame… Not that one… Ok, maybe that one too

After nine months of chaos, drama, and watching Liverpool and Manchester City win games, the football season nears its end. Every campaign seems long and hard-fought, but this season seems even more so. With a title race of consistency in the Premier League (don’t call it the most exciting title race ever), top four races of madness in England, Spain and Italy, and the madness of the English League One table, this campaign looks to have dragged on for years.

But the aim (of some) throughout is to hustle and bustle for titles and awards at the end of the season, most particularly this one (yes, we give them every month), and this starts with:

The I-Cant-Come-and-Kill-Myself Award for Putting things in Perspective

Leeds United manager Marcelo Bielsa, who was having none of the stress of pronouncing ‘Ipswich’, and just gave up on it. Speaking of Bielsa and Leeds…

The Ned-Stark Award for Honour

After Leeds take the lead in their game against Aston Villa in a rather controversial manner, Bielsa orders his side to let their opponents score an equaliser straight away. It was a move that was engineered by epitome of nobleness, Villa’s assistant manager St. John Terry.

Most Empathetic Fans

Inter fans in the Derby D’Italia. Classy touch.

The Harvey-Specter Award for Most Tactical Punch

Sunshine Stars assistant coach, Kayode Julius, who went ahead and punched Lobi Stars goalkeeper Ospino Egbe, earning him a one-year sabbatical from all Nigerian Professional Football League match venues.

Most Eventful Game

Accrington Stanley goalkeeper, Dimitar Evtimov, in the League One game against Luton Town. Evtimov fouls a Luton player in the box after four minutes, gets booked, but goes on to save the resulting penalty. Then Evtimov fouls another Luton player in the box 20 minutes later, gets another yellow, which results in a red card, and Luton scores the resulting penalty this time.

Most Responsible Administration

Serie A, who fine Milan duo Tiemoue Bakayoko and Franck Kessie for making a swipe over Lazio defender Francesco Acerbi’s shirt, but give no reaction to the Lazio fans making racist remarks at the players.

Best Verdict

The English FA, who absolve Wayne Hennessey of allegedly making a Nazi salute, on the grounds that the goalkeeper apparently has no idea about Nazism and Hitler. Do they secretly work for the Nigerian government?

The Louis-Litt Award for Most Level-headed Decision

Paraguayan side Independiente Campo Grande president, Eriberto Gamarra, who decides to sack Bendrix Parra for his panenka penalty fail in the Copa Sudamericana shootout defeat to La Equidad.

The Chris-Rock Award for Unluckiest

A River Plate fan who gets a tattoo, of a QR code that links to the highlights of the team’s Copa Libertadores final win against Boca Juniors. Except the video has been disabled for copyright infringement. Well.

The Maurizio-Zamparini Award for Best use of the Revolving Door

Wisla Plock, who sacked four different managers in the first four days of April.

The Paul-Robinson Award for Absurd Own Goal

Match of the Month

Atalanta v Empoli, April 15. Atalanta have 47 shots to Empoli’s three, 18 on target to their opponents’ one, with Empoli’s goalie making 17 saves, yet the match finishes goalless.

The Game-of-Thrones award for Best Plot Twist

Courtesy, Michael Yokhin…

The Jolly-powered Stat of the Month

Glenn Murray gave his first ever Premier League assist, after five years, in Brighton’s draw against Newcastle.

But nothing probably beats this from Duncan Alexander.

Best retort

After Chelsea and Burnley drew 2-2 at Stamford Bridge earlier in April, Blues defender David Luiz accused the Clarets of Anti-football (yes, Chelsea accused another team of that). Burnley manager Sean Dyche wasn’t letting that slide; ’28 points in 16 games – you can’t anti-football that’.

In conclusion:

John Terry is the beacon of honourable football, VAR still sucks, and don’t get tattoos with QR codes of YouTube links.

The Endgame… Still no spoilers.


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