Remembering Nigeria’s 2026 World Cup Triumph (10km Offside)
It’s Wednesday, July the 15th, 2026, and from secondary school classrooms, newspaper stands, bus stops, holograms, and inside top-notch firms alike, the chatter won’t stop, a national holiday is about to be declared, as word is still very much about how the Super Eagles of Nigeria won the FIFA World Cup in the United States, much to the patriotic ire of Donald Trump, ex-American president, three days earlier; the Eagles have recently made history by winning the first World Cup with 48 teams.
Not that it was straightforward, though. Preparations for the tournament from the Eagles camp had been blighted by the continuous loot of funds, presumably by members of the Slippery Snakes Society (SSS, pronounced ‘sss’) who are still at large, and the lack of sufficient resources to the national team has led to dispute between the nation’s president, Odunlade Adekola, and Nigerian Football Federation chief, the Android version of Amaju Pinnick, placed there by the real Pinnick himself some four years earlier.
This kerfuffle between both presidents almost led to the resignation of national team head coach, Garba Lawal, who has tactically revolutionised the Eagles setup with his ingenious 3-1-1-1-1-1-1-1 formation, but Lawal was persuaded by Nigerians to stay in the job, although some other reports suggest that he was blackmailed by human rights activist Toke Makinwa.
Nevertheless, the Eagles, led by captain, Rabiu Ali, who’s somehow still 31, depart for the United States, as they are paired in Group E with Ukraine and Transylvania, the latter of which had gained FIFA recognition in 2023. With only three teams in each group, and two progressing to the next round, Nigeria know they can qualify for the last 32 with two draws, and as it happens, their first game, against the Transylvanians, ends up goalless, with the Eagles not even daring to cross their own halfway line, before another goalless draw against the Ukrainians sees them progress in second place behind their Day Two opponents.
The last 32 pits them with Cameroon, coached by Samuel Eto’o, who incidentally is also the president of the Cameroon FA, and the country at large. The Eagles fall behind early in the second half, but two late goals from Samson Okoro, who looks suspiciously like the Stanley Okoro of 2009, but with what like seems like a bleached skin and a hair transplant, takes Nigeria to the last 16, where they face surprise packages, Westeros, another country given FIFA recognition sometime in the previous five years. The minnows are no match for Nigeria though, a comprehensive 4-0 win, thanks to four Rabiu Ali penalties, takes us to the last eight, a feat we had never managed before. As expected, the quarter finals prove to be a tough test, as opponents Spain, coached by Xavi, score twice inside the first 20 minutes, Marco Asensio curling in a direct corner kick, and veteran Alvaro Morata adding the second. But a rousing team talk sees an inspired Eagles fightback after halftime, goals from Kelechi Nwakali, and Alex Iwobi takes us to extra time and penalties, where three Francis Uzoho saves send us to the semis, the first African side to ever get this far.
The semis bring a familiar face, in Gernot Rohr, and Mexico, also making their first ever last four appearance. The game ends in a 2-0 win for Nigeria, but controversy is sparked when Eagles skipper Ali spits in Rohr’s face for not taking him to the World Cup in Russia eight years earlier. Ali is subsequently ruled out for the final, against Portugal, led by 41-year-old player/coach Cristiano Ronaldo. La Selaccao dominate the game for the entirety of the 90 minutes, but a glaring error from goalkeeper Anthony Lopes allows Kelechi Iheanacho to score a late winner, his only touch of the entire tournament.
The final whistle goes, from California to Calabar, from Seattle to Surulere, Nigerians at home and abroad spark into delirium. After the initial celebrations and commiserations with the fallen Portuguese heroes, suspended skipper Ali is handed the trophy by FIFA president Jorge Mendes, as Ghanaians watch on through the depths of Instagram, while a certain Easterner draws schematics over where to place some 23 soon-to-be designed statues.
**Despite our greatest dreams, and hopes, the above news is utterly and definitely not real. We wish