Kano Pillars and losing Federation Cups on Penalties Kano Pillars and losing Federation Cups on Penalties

Spotkick’s Alternative Awards of the Month: October (10km offside)

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Episode Two: *Puts Music Player on shuffle play*. Not this song…not this song…not this song…

Throwback memories: Come back from school on a weekday. Hurry through the irrelevances like bathing (who cares), eating (meh), and not doing homework, then you put to the television to Channels Television, for some delightful Tom and Jerry. But midway through the probably sixth episode in a row, with suspense building in, the people in charge at Channels cut you off, the ‘pa ram pam pa pa ram’ sound signifies news, so that’s the end of it, and you’ll probably never get to see the end of that episode. So, do you: a) develop eternal hate for Channels TV (yes), or b) blame yourself for not just watching Silverbird Television instead.

But we digress. It’s the second edition of the load of gobbledygook, the awards people deserve and need, but don’t know it yet; yes, that’s how we’ll console ourselves that whatever this is has relevance, and we begin with (no, not this song either…):

Father of the Month

Luis Suarez grabbed a hat-trick in Barcelona’s Clasico demolition of Real Madrid, five days after welcoming his third child, and when congratulated on his treble afterwards, he asked ‘which one?’. Iago Aspas was in hospital to see his wife give birth, spent the night in a couch, then the next day bagged a hat-trick of his own, for Celta Vigo against Eibar. But our winner is the man who showed he’s the kind of dad who’s got your back. After Julen Lopetegui got sacked by Real Madrid, his father, Jose Antonio talked about the injustice his son suffered at the Bernabeu, in terms of the sale of Cristiano Ronaldo, his words being ‘they have stolen 50 goals from my son’. Speaking of his son…

The I-Can’t-Come-and-Kill-Myself Award for Putting things in Perspective

Before Lopetegui received the sack, ahead of the Clasico defeat, the (former) Real Madrid gaffer was asked about life after the Clasico for him. His reply? ‘I expect to keep breathing whatever happens’.

Best Delivery

Soccer Nation on Julen Lopetegui getting canned by Real Madrid.

Seems-about-right Award for Best Timing

Kylian Mbappe, reprimanded by PSG manager Thomas Tuchel for turning up late for training, signs a deal to become brand ambassador for Hublot Watches about 24 hours later. Nice.

The How Could You Miss That of the Month

This is hard to explain.

The Thank-goodness-for-the-offside-flag award for Miss that might have been

Edinson Cavani’s gobsmacking miss from five yards for Paris St. Germain against Napoli in the Champions League. The offside flag didn’t quite save him from complete scrutiny, though.

The Raymond-Reddington award for Fugitive Not on the Run

Jose Mourinho; the Manchester United manager speaking, after his side’s win against Newcastle, on how there’s a manhunt about him. For a man supposedly under a manhunt, he seemed comfortable knowing the world knew his location at the time.

The Headline That Should Have Been of the month

In the Nigerian Nationwide League One this month, Fortune FC suffered a 4-3 defeat at the hands of Barrier FC. The game went unnoticed, so everyone missed out on the headline ‘BARRIER BEAT FORTUNE’. That was sitting right there.

The Lasema-Response-Unit-becomes-LRU Award for most Redundant title.

Barcelona v Real Madrid is called The Clasico, or EL Clasico, not ‘The El Clasico’, please.

Best Substitution

Not the best substitute to come in, but the best substitution to be made. Nicely done Atletico Clube Goianiense.

The Boyfriend Award for  Thoughtful Gift With Bad Execution

Queens Park Rangers' gesture on wishing Angel Rangel a happy birthday on Twitter was nice, if not routine; except Rangel's birthday wasn't for another month. But you can't beat Romanian Dunarea Calarasi, who made a thoughtful choreo for manager Dan Alexa. As thoughtful as it was awful.

The Hunter-Zolomon award for Creating Time-Remnant

Bruno is a Brighton legend in more ways than one, as the Spaniard managed to watch and play in the Seagulls’ win over West Ham at the same time.

Most absent-minded

Thierry Henry to his translator in his first press conference as Monaco manager.

Stat of the month

At the middle of October, Paco Alcacer had seven Bundesliga in 106 minutes for Dortmund. Absurd. Here’s another: Paul Pogba took longer in his penalty ‘run-up’ for Manchester United against Everton than Usain Bolt takes to run 100metres. But our winner is: Gibraltar have won more competitive games in two months than Germany have in the whole of 2018.

The Federal-Government award for Most Reasonable Defence

Tottenham v Cardiff. October 6, 2018. Spurs win by a an Eric Dier goal to nil, but the talking point comes when Cardiff’s Joe Ralls is sent off for a wild tackle on Harry Kane. Cardiff manager Neil Warnock didn’t see it as worthy of a red card, though, his claim being Ralls didn’t endanger Kane’s life. Indeed. Well Warnock does have a refereeing license.

The Not-Lauren-at-Eastlands Award for Ludicrous Own Goal

Perhaps this should be the Juninho Bacuna award. Either way, look away now Jayden Bogle.

In Conclusion: This column doesn’t like Channels TV, Arsenal are back back back, and Solari will win three Champions League titles in a row with Real Madrid. Now to anticipate the relegation battles to come in the UEFA Nations League.

Not this song…not this song… Ha, Finally!

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