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Premier League 2018/19: What Won’t Happen Next Season (10km Offside)

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We’ve always heard of looking into the crystal ball and seeing what will be. But how often do you look into the crystal ball and tell what’s not seen? Hardly.

So, with the new Premier League season on its way, Spotkick takes a long gaze into future, and what does see? It won’t say. Rather, it’s here to say what it didn’t see.

Note: This is about what won’t happen in the upcoming Premier League season, but should of our un-predicted events turn out right, we intend to together hug the credit and say we told you so, a bit like Harry Re…shhhh, don’t give anything away!!!

 

August

The season kicks off at Old Trafford on a Friday night, with Manchester United hosting Leicester City. Leicester defender and United target Harry Maguire opens the scoring on the hour, but decides not to celebrate against the side the who’ve been so interested in him. The match ends one-all, Juan Mata with the equaliser for United, but the game’s headline is United gaffer Jose Mourinho having a spat with club physio Richard Ferron, as a result of the latter taking off Alexis Sanchez due to a head injury, ‘if you can’t play through the inconveniences, then you don’t call yourself a professional’, says the Portuguese.

Arsenal begin the season with a home game against Manchester City, but trouble ensues when manager Unai Emery is said to have been missing for a few days, after the Spaniard didn’t show up for the pre-match conference. As a result, Arsenal turn to former boss Arsene Wenger to be in caretaker charge until Emery is found. ‘It feels different this time’, says Le Professeur, during his unveiling in a secret location. Arsenal lose the opening game to the champions, 4-0.

Tottenham begin the season with a trip to Newcastle. With the scores level at 1-1 in stoppage time, Harry Kane heads in what seems to be the winner, but the referee disallows the goal by the virtue of it coming in August. Wolves and Everton steal the headlines on the opening weekend with an eight-all draw. The month comes to a close with Watford sacking Javi Gracia. ‘Javi has been in the job for eight months, an eternity by our standards, and it’s important to uphold our values and policies that have made this club so successful’ says the statement released by the Hornets board. ‘Plus, we were itching to use the line ‘Javi, Gracias’ before anyone on Twitter did’. Harry Redknapp is announced as the new Watford manager.

September

September begins with Newcastle players refusing to travel to the Etihad for their game against Manchester City, ‘we’ve witnessed far too many humiliations’ says a Toon player, ‘so why bother’. Newcastle are finally persuaded to make the trip, and hold a 1-0 lead until 10 minutes left, before conceding six goals in seven minutes.

City’s next game is a trip to Cardiff, where they muster 147 shots, yet get nothing: Cardiff get the only goal of the game, via an Aymeric Laporte own goal. Neil Warnock’s post-match conference is interrupted by the presentation of a gift basket, supposedly from Mourinho.

The month ends with Manchester United playing a goalless draw at West Ham. ‘It was an excellent result’ says Mourinho, ‘if you compare the football heritage, this was a match against a superior side’.

October

Liverpool and Man City kick off November, City finally ending their long-wait for a win at Anfield. Raheem Sterling scores twice for City, but refuses to celebrate against his former club. ‘Spoilt disrespectful brat Sterling dishonours club that pays his wages by not celebrating’, the Daily Mail says. That loss leaves Liverpool with just three wins all-season, and manager Jurgen Klopp points out how the Reds can’t match the top clubs in spending big, then the German is reminded of his side’s summer outlay. ‘People say what they want to say, I know we don’t spend big’, he replies.

Chelsea and Man Utd meet in this month, an Alvaro Morata hatrick helping the Blues to a 4-2 win. ‘Sometimes those with zero trophies can get lucky against the successful ones’, Mourinho says post-match. United end their month with a hard-fought win over Everton, their third in the league, Luke Shaw getting the only goal.

Spurs also hit the headlines this month, Christian Eriksen guilty of simulation in their 3-3 draw at West Ham, but Harry Kane is the one who receives the yellow card.

November

Arsenal continue their uncomfortable start to the season with a 2-3 loss at home to Liverpool. Arsene Wenger is irate when asked if he worries about his future. ‘You can’t keep blaming me for everything’, the Frenchman bellows. ‘The club should be grateful I gave up spending time with my family to help them miss out on the top four. Perhaps you lot should spend time searching for Unai than worry about me’.

Watford’s heavy defeat to Newcastle means they haven’t won any game since September. ‘It’s important to keep things in perspective’, says Harry Redknapp. ‘I’ve had two wins in charge in all competitions, and that’s despite my knee injury’. Redknapp is sacked after. The Hornets appoint Quique Sanchez Flores as manager, then realise they’ve hired once before, and they duly fire him 16 hours after his unveiling. David Moyes is put in charge, after signing an affidavit swearing he’s never managed Watford before now.

The Manchester derby is the headline game of the month, and history is made when City get 100% ball possession for the entirety of the first half. City run out 3-1 winners. Mourinho is sacked, and Michael Carrick is named as manager until the end of the season.

Cardiff, winless since that win over Man City, sack Neil Warnock. Sam Allardyce, midway through another of his lectures on British managers not being given a chance in the UK (to Sky Sports), is announced as Cardiff’s new boss.

December

Liverpool and Everton kick-off the month with the Merseyside, in his pre-match interview Jurgen Klopp complains about how the derby is often overshadowed by other games in the same weekend. Liverpool win 4-1, Mohammed Salah scoring all four of Liverpool’s goals, but referee Michael Oliver hits the headlines by rushing right out of the pitch and the stadium in order to catch the North London derby happening later that day.

At the Emirates, with banners of ‘Find Emery’ colouring the stadium, goals from Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang and Alexandre Lacazette give Arsenal a 2-0 win over Spurs.

The month is headlined by Man City’s trip to Chelsea, an entertaining goalless draw with a combination total of 14,658 completed passes and 37 shots on target. Another headline act of December is Manchester United’s 5-3 win at Anfield, which makes it four wins in four for United under Carrick.

Bayern Munich get knocked out of the UEFA Champions League group stage, and are drawn with Arsenal in the last 32 of the Europa League.

Wolves go top after their 1-1 draw with Liverpool.

January

Wolves and Leicester meet in mid-January, with Leicester fans intent on Wolves not re-enacting their version of the Foxes’ 2015/16 fairy-tale, banners of ‘don’t let them take our fantasy’ filling the away end. Leicester come out as 3-1 winners, thanks to a brace from Jamie Vardy. Wolves also lose to Manchester City in January, and Spurs, and drop to fourth place.

The transfer windows  re-opens, and Spurs announce six players signing new contracts.

The Premier League accidentally records one of Arsenal’s games in January as a defeat to Stoke, despite the fact that Arsenal’s only loss of the month came at Man City, and the small matter of Stoke being in the Championship.

With Liverpool struggling and languishing in seventh place, Jurgen Klopp announces he’ll leave the club at the end of the season. Liverpool finish the month with a 6-2 win at West Ham, a match during which Andy Carroll gets injured after stepping out of West Ham’s bus. He’s ruled out for three months.

Watford sack David Moyes after a loss to Brighton, with Alan Pardew named his immediate replacement.

Huddersfield are still searching, astonishingly, for their first win of the season, but chairman Dean Hoyle expresses faith in David Wagner. ‘He’s proved capable of miracles, and I’m confident we can muster 14 wins between now and the end of the campaign’.

February

Everton pull off a shock 2-1 win over Man City, in the same weekend when Man Utd complete the double over Liverpool, the Red Devils remain unbeaten under Michael Carrick, who still possesses some tactical flaws, according to new BT Sport pundit, a certain Jose Mourinho.

Everton are brought back down to earth following their win over City, with a defeat to Cardiff, coached by Sam Allardyce, a 1-0 loss thanks to a goal of the season contender by January signing Omar Niasse. ‘Justice, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder’ says a smug Big Sam afterwards.

Chelsea go top with a win over Spurs, Alvaro Morata bagging his 21st goal of the season in a 3-1 victory.

Arsenal are knocked out of the Europa League by Bayern.

Man Utd win the League Cup, after beating Leicester at Wembley.

March

Watford begin the month with a loss at home to Leicester, and during the International break, with members of the team travelling to Paris, Tom Cleverley and Ben Foster allegedly steal a bicycle from the Tour de France.

Everton bag their first Merseyside derby win since 2010, after a close-fought 3-2 win is decided by a howler from Liverpool goalkeeper Alisson Becker. Klopp defends Alisson post-match, ‘he feels very disappointed, but Loris… sorry Alisson is a very strong character’.

Man Utd’s unbeaten run under Carrick finally ends, with a derby defeat to Man City. City supposedly play without Kevin de Bruyne, who’s suspended, but their winning goal is created by Oleksandr Zinchenko, who covers himself in a mask, and can’t quite be differed from De Bruyne. After full-time, ‘Zinchenko’ hurries past the press and declines a post-match interview.

April

Huddersfield, despite six wins in eight games, are relegated from the Premier League after a goalless draw with Watford, who are in a precarious situation of their own.

Liverpool climb to fifth place after beating Chelsea at Anfield, a result which sends the Blues out of the title race. Spurs also miss out on the title, after defeat at Man City, and the win means City become the first side to retain the title since 2009.

Cardiff host Chelsea, needing a win to keep their survival hopes alive. After the Bluebirds go 2-0 down in the first half, Allardyce resigns as Cardiff manager at halftime, to keep his record of never having gone down on a technicality. ‘I had to do what’s best for the team’ says Big Sam, ‘now I’ll go on vacation till October’.

Arsenal win at Wolves at the end of October, leapfrogging them into sixth place, but the biggest information concerning the club is the re-appearance of Unai Emery, who confirms that he had been held hostage by Wenger for nine months. Then Wenger goes missing as well.

May

Watford’s relegation is confirmed after a defeat at Chelsea. David Moyes is sacked, and Alan Curbishley is announced as the new manager ahead of the 2019/20 season.

Spurs cement second place, with Chelsea in third, and Man Utd completing the top four, behind champions City. Liverpool finish fifth, Arsenal end up in sixth, and Wolves compliment seventh place with an FA Cup final triumph over Southampton, who finish in 11th.

Relegated trio Cardiff, Huddersfield and Watford, trade divisions with Leeds United- who finished the Championship season unbeaten-, Stoke, and play-off winners Middlesbrough, and their coach Tony Marvolo Pulis.

Arsene Wenger resurfaces, but will not be charged for any crimes, and is appointed the manager of Russian Premier League side Arsenal Tula. ‘Close enough’ says the Frenchman. ‘Now let’s find Gervinho and Sebastian Squillaci, and get this project started’.

Read 158 times Last modified on Sunday, 19 August 2018 12:26
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