Drama, Incompetence, Dramatic Incompetence: New NPFL; Same Old NPFL: (Being Absurd)

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Gather around ye children, to hear the tales of thee; as a new season of the Nigerian Professional Football League is about to begin; which means only a few days till spotkick’s own Shehu Idris returns from the wilderness (AKA the hands of a rogue federal squad wh… okay, that’s enough). A league that mirrors its country like no other, the surreal drama, the utter lack of organisation that makes Spain’s LFP and RFEF look like geniuses, and the unappreciated workers (i.e. players). Just hire some ghost managers, and we wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.

But little matter, this is, as our Shehu Idris said, the best league in the world (don’t compare), and spotkick’s newly-acquired ravens (again, Shehu Idris), have gone round the country on the tittle-tattle before the season begins- don’t worry, they didn’t go that far.

Our first stop is the North, of course (smart ravens, smart), where three months after winning their first ever league title, Plateau United held a ‘trophy parade’ (note: trophy parade in this country means taking the trophy to the State Governor and getting some welcome wads of cash). The champions begin their (doomed-to-fail) quest to retain the title with a trap- or is it trip- to face Nasarawa United, and will begin without goalkeeper Dele I-love-gisting Ajiboye, defender Daniel Itodo and midfielder Peter Eneji, who will all be aiding the home-based Eagles’ commendable effort to exit the African Nations Championship at the group stages in Morocco.

Still in North, it’s all eyes for the title by the looks of it, as El-Kanemi Warriors and new coach Imama Amapakabo have declared their aim is to win the big prize. So has Niger Tornadoes, but when you’re done laughing about that, remember no one fancied Plateau last year either. The Minna club have already signalled their intention to go all out by sacking their entire technical crew, headed by Coach Abubakar Bala, and giving them the generous opportunity of re-applying, presumably under new identities.

Also in the North, Yobe Desert Stars have made their way into the first division, with very little funds, so much so that they couldn’t afford to make new signings, or participate in the Nigerian National League’ Super Six pre-season tournament, so expect them to make their way back.

Then our ravens leave the North (it’s cold out there, you know), and head for the South-East, where they stumble on a couple of interns playing for Rivers United, who had the effrontery to ask Governor Nyesom Wike that their salaries be paid from the 2014/15 season (who do they think they are, Real Madrid?). After getting distracted by a handful of newly-erected exquisite statues in that region, our ravens check on Abia Warriors and new coach Raphael Everton (whose name sounds like that of a manager that will arrive in the English lower league to some fanfare, but leave with the club in the relegation zone). Then there’s dethroned champions Enugu Rangers, whose striker Kelvin Itoya has deemed as the ‘team to beat’ (so expect everyone to beat them), and who are coached by Gbenga Ogunbote.

At the sight of Ogunbote, our ravens are reminded to head for the West, where the quality has fallen faster than Mo’Cheddah’s musical career. Of the four teams that were relegated last season, three were from this side of the country- Shooting Stars of Ibadan, ABS of Ilorin, and the disgrace-in-football-club-clothing- Remo Stars for short. But somehow, MFM FC have gone against the routine of being inept down here, and actually managing to look like a football club that knows what they, and even booked a spot in the continental competition (The audacity!!! é ma bajéooo).

They’ll be kept company by Kwara United, another newly-promoted side, who are joined in the top-flight (lol ravens, we said flight) by the aforementioned Yobe Desert Stars, Go Round FC and five-time champions Heartland.

All make for an exciting viewing, if you can view clearly that is, the television rights are with NTA (yes, the same one).

Nevertheless, this is, and remains, the best league in the world (What part of don’t compare don’t you get).

 

 

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