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Spotkick’s Alternative Awards of the Month: March

March

Episode Seven: April! Game of Thron… ahem, football, the beautiful game, and all that.

And so here we are. The final stretch. After eight years month of the ups, downs, goals, and misses, and incredible drama, the final two months will determine it all. Will Cersei Lannister Manchester City retain the domestic crown, and will Daenerys Liverpool go back atop a podium that means so much and has been so long-awaited. There are still run-ins to be had, Liverpool still have to overcome complacency despite their firepower, as shown by previous moments when it could all have gone. City, meanwhile, with their rich support, hope to continue a dynasty for the first time in a long time. So the Premier League and Game of Thrones are basically the same. FourFourTwo was right. And with the Night King Brexit still an issue, everyone could die before anything happens.

But live or die, title or no title, this is really all that matters. This below. Beginning with:

Celebration of the Month

Mario Balotelli, after his wonderful goal for Marseille against St. Etienne, did the kind of Mario act Balotelli would be upset if Mario Balotelli didn’t do.

The You-Have-Not-Heard-the-Last-of-Me Award for Most Ominous Plan to Return

Michel, after being sacked by Rayo Vallecano, spoke of how this is the second time this has happened, and their might just be a third. The Michel Trilogy awaits.

Sons of the Month

Leganes players, playing a game wearing their mum’s names. Do they have two heads!

Children of the Month

*Insert hand in face emoji*

The Right-Arm-Left-Arm Award for Best-ish Dad

Huub Stevens.

The You-Let-Me-Down award for Guilt-tripping Dad

That would be Neil Warnock, then.

The Toxic-parent-praises-hardworking-kid Award for Best Rating

French magazine L’Equipe, known for its harsh ratings, giving Dusan Tadic a 10 for his performance for Ajax at the Bernabeu. That leads to…

Most Grateful

Ajax fans, singing ‘Ramos bedankt’, which is Dutch for ‘thank you Ramos’, after a Champions League last 16 second leg in which their team dismantled Real Madrid. A second leg Ramos missed on purpose to get himself a clean slate going into the quarter-finals. Oops. And speaking of Sergio…

The Hunter-Zoloman- Award for Creating a Time Remnant

Ramos, who conducted an interview with himself, after Real’s loss to Ajax, to clear the air surrounding issues in the Los Blancos dressing room.

Match of the Month

March 9. Sunderland vs Wycombe Wanderers. English League One.

The Federal-Government Award for Best Excuse

Lyon president, Jean-Michel Aulas, after the 5-1 loss to Barcelona in the Champions League: ‘If Messi had been playing for us then maybe the result would have different’.

But surely the winner is France coach Didier Deschamps, who spoke of not calling up Clement Lenglet to the national side because he doesn’t have experience in that area. The experience he doesn’t have because he is never called up to play for France by… Oh.

The-Blacklist-Redemption Award for Long-lasting series

Paul Scholes, who left as manager of Oldham after 31 days in charge.

Best Statement

After the fan idiocy at St. Andrews in Aston Villa’s win against Birmingham, the EFL released a statement on how they CONDONE the behaviour. Greatest typo, that.

Diana-Ross Award for Best Penalty

Stenhousemuir’s Bobby Iinn, and his remarkable penalty in a Scottish League One.

But that doesn’t beat Bersant Celina’s attempt for Swansea at West Brom in the English Championship.

The Chris-Rock Award for Most Unlucky

Oh Haraguchi.

The Houdini Award for Best Disappearing Act

The officials in the VAR room during Real Madrid’s game against Valladolid

The Jolly-Powered Stat of the Month

From Richard Jolly: Lucas Moura has the same number of goals at Anfield at Lucas Leiva, who played there for 10 seasons.

From Duncan Alexander: David Unsworth is the top-scoring Premier League player with the word ‘WIND’ in his name.

But our winner is United 3-1 winning at Paris St. Germain with five shots. The first was the first goal, the second was the shot that was spilled for the third, which was the second goal, the fourth led to the penalty that was scored with the fifth. Talk about a fool-proof plan.

The Inception Award for Best Ending

Oxford v Bradford, March 17. With the scores level in the 93rd minute, Bradford appeal for a penalty, which is not given. In the 94th minute, Oxford go ahead and score what seems like a winning goal. In the 95th minute, referee Andy Davies cancels the Oxford goal and then gives Bradford that penalty. Then, three minutes later, Davies changes his mind again, cancels the penalty, and gives Oxford their initial goal. Did you get that?

Best Week

Declan Rice, who was named in England’s national team squad on a Wednesday, a day after being confirmed to have the Irish Young Player of the Year award.

In Conclusion:

Scotland’s national team deserve praise for sticking to their script, what VAR lacks in spontaneity and actual good use, it might make up for with its sense of humour, and we wonder about Neil Warnock’s kids when they arrived home late from parties.

Now: What’s Westerosi for ‘See Ya!’?

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