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(10km Offside) Chelsea Confirm Players Have Just Left Etihad Dressing Room

Chelsea FC

Chelsea have confirmed that the players have just been released from the dressing room at the Etihad stadium by manager Maurizio Sarri. Chelsea were on the end of a 6-0 drubbing at the home of the champions, and just over a week after Sarri kept the players in the dressing for 45 minutes at Bournemouth, the Italian manager locked the squad in the away dressing room in Manchester for three days.

‘It was crazy’, said defender Marcos Alonso. ‘Cesar (Azpilicueta) said he’d like to go home to his family, and the boss replied “yeah, and I’d like to quit smoking, but none of those things will happen”, then he puffed some smoke in Cesar’s face.” Yet Alonso and Azpilicueta were among the lucky ones in the squad, as some faced an even worse fate.

‘Some players were gagged in the mouth’, said a Chelsea player that didn’t want to be named, but had red marks around his face. ‘Some were blindfolded, while others were forced to have a smoke, with the manager telling them, “if it kills you, then now you know how I feel on the bench”. According to the anonymous player, only Eden Hazard and N’golo Kante were spared, as the duo were told to turn around and face the wall, instead not look at what was happening to their teammates.

Meanwhile, Jorginho was asked to scribble down notes about the dressing room ‘meeting’, and when asked about why he wasn’t also being punished, Sarri said that’s how his system works. The Chelsea player also confirmed that the players have packed extra luggage for the Europa League trip to Malmo this week, just in case.

***This news story is absolutely not real. Yes, really.

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