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Spotkick’s Alternative Awards of the Month: December

Episode Four: NPFL is back, baby! Even though no one will really care.

It’s very fair to say Spotkick’s Alternative Awards train (let’s call it SAA) is a little late to the 2019 tracks; would you believe us if we said the SAA committee were kidnapped by members of the anti-Nigerian Professional Football League Syndicate in a bid to prevent the league from kicking off? Well, we gave it a shot.

But pretend this is still very early in the year (well it is still very early in the year), and that we’re still just welcoming in 2019; it’s the beginning of a new era, as everything that has happened before the first day of January no longer matters, highlight and shift delete 2018 folder kind of thing. Time to cut off the residual bad energy that was left in the previous year that no longer matters, so as to make room for the bad energy of this year, and more importantly, time to start counting down to Game of Thrones the African Nations Cup, and discover that the UEFA Nations League is just its knock-off.

But it’s also time for SAA, as we remember the final month of 2018, which supposedly no longer matters:

The Thank-goodness-for-the-offside-flag Award for Miss that might have been

Kudos to Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, two days before the end of 2018, for skying a shot from two yards out, in Arsenal’s 5-1 defeat at Anfield, only to look over and see the linesman’s flag spare his blushes.

The Will-most-certainly-not-win-the-Puskas Award for Best Goal

Andros Townsend!! You can do that!!!

Real Goal of the month

Divock Origi’s crazy match-winner in the Merseyside derby, undisputedly.

Son of the month

Alex Bruce, doing really well to shield his father Steve after Aston Villa reacted to their former manager being linked with the Sheffield Wednesday job. Speaking of Wednesday…

…The Thomas-Tuchel Award for Most bothered

(Now former) Owls manager Jos Luhukay, who wasn’t too pleased at being repeatedly asked about his future, and finally responded with a question of his own: ‘how many times are you going to ask me these questions? Fucking hell. 10, 20 times’ the Dutchman said before storming out of a post-match interview. At least with him now sacked, such nonsense will no longer come his way.

Partner of the month

Aubameyang gets on here for a better reason this time, as he made a case for teammate Alexandre Lacazette to be awarded a goal at Old Trafford. Such a nice gesture; it was wrong and didn’t work.

Hero of the month

Liverpool goalkeeper Alisson Becker, who performed a Superman act in front of goal by getting hit by a straight effort from Napoli’s Arkadiusz Milik as the Reds beat the Italians in the Champions League at the start of December.

The Stuart-bloom Award for Must be included

Sometime in December, Barcelona’s Lionel Messi and Luis Suarez had 25 La Liga goals combined, more than both Real and Atletico Madrid. When asked about it, Barca defender Gerard Pique wasn’t having any of it. His reply: ‘well, with me it’s 28 goals’.

Most subtle jibe

Cristiano Ronaldo on life at Juventus after leaving Real Madrid. ‘This is the best group I’ve ever played with. At Juve, we really feel like a team, unlike elsewhere’. We have no idea what he meant.

Biggest disappointment

Hard to decide between Lionel Messi not completing a hatrick of free-kicks in the Catalan Derby against Espanyol, and the fact the Isreali league played on Christmas day and none of the teams with the name ‘Nazareth’ had a player named ‘Jesus’. That ain’t right!

The It-has-to-be-Sergio-Ramos Award for shithousery

Feyenoord fans, throwing balls on the pitch to prevent opponents PSV from scoring through a counter-attack. Class.

Biggest reveal of the month

It turns out Manchester United can actually play good football and win while putting smiles on fans faces once they don’t have a manager that’s constantly readying his arms to throw them under the bus. Who knew!

The Jolly-Powered Stat of the month

Quite a few frontrunners here: Felipe Anderson has more Premier League goals than every other Anderson to have played in the league combined. Another biggie is the fact Cardiff goalkeeper saving a penalty last month meant he’s now saved penalties from three different United States presidents – (George) Trump, Kenedy and finally (James Maddison. But the winner might just be Roy Hodgson’s Boxing Day record as a manager: Played five. Won zero. Lost zero. Drew five. Scored zero. Conceded zero. You can’t make this stuff up.

Least cool announcement

Athletic Bilbao’s English Twitter account informing of the sacking of Eduardo Berizzo. Did they use Google Translate?

In conclusion: Pep Guardiola is a fraud, Arsenal weren’t fooling anybody with that unbeaten run, Claude Puel is a sham for having the audacity to beat Chelsea and Manchester City instead of getting sacked, and Paris St. Germain might have to train for their Champions League clash with Man United after all.

If that’ll b… Wait,what do you mean I’m supposed to find a way to put in Sanwo-Olu because he’s everywhere?

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