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Introducing: The men for the Real rescue act (10km offside)


No. No way. Absolutely not. Don’t. Okay, maybe. Fine. Go ahead, say it. ‘THE REALSCUE ACT’ (happy?). With Julen Lopetegui given the boot, the alarm bells still ring in the footballing department of the Santiago Bernabeu. So detective Joe West-Perez has sent out a distress signal, and some very accomplished fire-fighters are running in. A former Los Blancos player has been put in temporary charge, but does he have what it takes to perform a Realscue (okay, seriously stop.) act? We look at the heroes in waiting.

P. S: Paul Lambert is already taken:

Santiago Solari

Codename: The man in charge…for now.

Previous: 131 appearances and two Champions League titles for Los Blancos.

Notable past: Provided the pass that led to the assist that led to Zinedine Zidane’s wonderful goal against Leverkusen in 2002.

Would likely: Go on to win the Champions League, knocking out Cristiano Ronaldo and Juventus in the semis, before defeating Atletico Madrid at the Metropolitano.

Players to be brought in: Probably none.

Alan Pardew

Codename: Pardiola.

Previous: Scored in an FA Cup semi-final.

Notable past: Once danced his way to a late FA Cup final defeat as Crystal Palace manager in 2016. Also once laughed in Arsene Wenger’s face after a goal in 2006.

Would likely: Go unbeaten with Real from now till the end of 2019, before losing the next 27 games.

Players to be brought in: James Tomkins, Jason Puncheon and, of course, Shola Ameobi.

Sam Allardyce

Codename: Allardici.

Previous: Rocked a cool ear-piece in his Bolton days, almost like he was working for the Artax Network or the British Secret ServiceCopy that, Allardici, moving Miss May to a new location now.

Notable past: Has a 100% record with the English national team.

Would likely: Lead Real to a great escape, winning four out of their final nine games to finish 16th.

Players to be brought in: James Tomkins, Patrick van Aanholt and Kevin Nolan – who’d displace Sergio Ramos as the skipper with immediacy.

Harry Redknapp

Codename: ‘Arry

Previous: Jilted both Portsmouth and Southampton, like a player.

Notable past: Coached QPR in 2013, but seemingly played no part in their relegation that year.

Would likely: Coach Los Blancos yet play no part in their relegation in 2019.

Players to be brought: Jermain Defoe, Niko Kranjcar, and Younes Kaboul.

David Moyes

Codename: Moyesey

Previous: Almost put in a valiant effort as Sunderland got relegated from the Premier League in 2017.

Notable past: Put Marko Arnautovic in a lab and re-engineered him to start focusing on football.

Would likely: Show Ramos and Raphael Varane defending videos of Phil Jagielka, and tell them to emulate it.

Players to be brought it: Steven Pienaar, Adnan Januzaj and Darron Gibson.

Tim Sherwood

Codename: Tactical Tim.

Previous: Coached passionately at Aston Villa and Spurs, as well as David Beckham’s face.

Notable past: Re-enacted the miracle of Istanbul with Spurs at West Brom in 2014.

Would likely: Set a trend for wearing a gilet in La Liga.

Players to be brought in: Nabil Bentaleb, Scott Sinclair and Michael Dawson.

Brendan Rodgers

Codename: Brendan… Rodgers?

Previous: Signed Alberto Moreno for Liverpool.

Notable past: Heroically dragged Besiktas to penalties with Liverpool in a Europa League tie in 2015.

Would likely: Miss out on winning the Champions League after a slip from Luka Modric in the final.

Players to be brought in: Joe Allen, Jon Flanagan and Dedryck Boyata.

John Carver

Codename: Eight in a row.

Previous: Has a 100% anti-relegation record.

Notable past: Could have sworn Mike Williamson wanted to get sent off in April 2015.

Would likely: Ask Lucas Vazquez to pass the phone to Casemiro as he informs both that the club won’t be renewing their contracts.

Players to be brought in: Mike Williamson, Mike Williamson and Mike Williamson.

Alan Curbishley

Codename: Al.

Previous: It’s quite hard to remember.

Notable past: Previously linked with available Premier League jobs in recent past.

Would likely: Depart in a fit after Real sanction the sale of Alvaro Odriozola… so we do remember something!!

Players to be brought in: Scott Parker – what do you mean you’ve retired – and Julien Faubert, who has previouszzzzzzz with Los Blancos.


**The above item is not true. Not quite.




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